Reaction

My mouth literally fell open.

Everything around me sort of faded white and started to buzz.

I got scared. I felt a sudden, faint panic, as though something bad was happening to me.

Something bad is happening to EP. Again. Her mom has breast cancer.

I don’t even have clear feelings, just these primitive flashes of sensing -- being a daughter, being a mother, being a mother and a daughter, experiencing loss.

And then, like a rush, fear.

Oh my god I’d be so scared. I’m scared right now. And my ears are still buzzing.

Yes, I prayed a jumbled wish for her family’s well-being. “Make her mom be okay,” I heard myself begin, “make it better.” And then I balked at hearing myself giving God commands. But what does God expect us to want? Not knowing what to ask, I ultimately prayed my go-to prayer: that God’s will be done and that those impacted be able to handle it with some grace.

I am uncomfortably aware, however, that “God’s will be done” is not what I prayed when it was my mother’s life in question. In fact, I don’t remember praying at all until I was in the hospital, sitting next to Mom’s bed, and the doctor was saying that she’d be fine. Then I prayed, in gratitude, and with a sagging, exhausted relief.

But I really haven’t had my prayers on straight since then. That would be five months now. Angry at God for five months now for even threatening me with losing her.

So no, this reaction of mine isn't entirely about EP and her mom, though I'm urgently wishing them well.

I guess...I guess I right away have to figure out how to do something other than be this scared all over again. I have to remember to breathe from deep down in that red chakra. I have to stop bracing myself, literally, relax my shoulders and arms. And I can try, I have to try to stop that chaotic mental cyclone of fearful thoughts, that spiral in which I’ll find myself tangled up later tonight, sleepless and aggravated, unless I choose a more serene approach now.

I’m sure there are exceptions, but in my experience, people who get caught up in their fear and worry generally are not terribly effective. And if there’s a bad situation that can be helped, I’d rather be effective than scared. If I get to choose.

In actuality, I’m probably going to have to settle for being effective WHILE scared. Because the fear isn’t going away. And really, at this point, all I’m hoping for is to keep it locked up in the drunk tank till it calms down.

That said, I am aware that at some point I’m going to have to actually deal with these feelings.