My mouth literally fell open.
Everything around me sort of faded white and started to buzz.
I got scared. I felt a sudden, faint panic, as though something bad was happening to me.
Something bad is happening to EP. Again. Her mom has breast cancer.
I don’t even have clear feelings, just these primitive flashes of sensing -- being a daughter, being a mother, being a mother and a daughter, experiencing loss.
And then, like a rush, fear.
Oh my god I’d be so scared. I’m scared right now. And my ears are still buzzing.
Yes, I prayed a jumbled wish for her family’s well-being. “Make her mom be okay,” I heard myself begin, “make it better.” And then I balked at hearing myself giving God commands. But what does God expect us to want? Not knowing what to ask, I ultimately prayed my go-to prayer: that God’s will be done and that those impacted be able to handle it with some grace.
I am uncomfortably aware, however, that “God’s will be done” is not what I prayed when it was my mother’s life in question. In fact, I don’t remember praying at all until I was in the hospital, sitting next to Mom’s bed, and the doctor was saying that she’d be fine. Then I prayed, in gratitude, and with a sagging, exhausted relief.
But I really haven’t had my prayers on straight since then. That would be five months now. Angry at God for five months now for even threatening me with losing her.
So no, this reaction of mine isn't entirely about EP and her mom, though I'm urgently wishing them well.
I guess...I guess I right away have to figure out how to do something other than be this scared all over again. I have to remember to breathe from deep down in that red chakra. I have to stop bracing myself, literally, relax my shoulders and arms. And I can try, I have to try to stop that chaotic mental cyclone of fearful thoughts, that spiral in which I’ll find myself tangled up later tonight, sleepless and aggravated, unless I choose a more serene approach now.
I’m sure there are exceptions, but in my experience, people who get caught up in their fear and worry generally are not terribly effective. And if there’s a bad situation that can be helped, I’d rather be effective than scared. If I get to choose.
In actuality, I’m probably going to have to settle for being effective WHILE scared. Because the fear isn’t going away. And really, at this point, all I’m hoping for is to keep it locked up in the drunk tank till it calms down.
That said, I am aware that at some point I’m going to have to actually deal with these feelings.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Top Ten Reasons I Do Soup Group
So why is Soup Group a priority for me?
Well, the first answer is that it's my mom's group. She didn't start it, but she was one of the original soup-makers, three years ago now, and she participated in Soup Group for a year before I started. I was very surprised back then that Mom had gotten involved and stayed so committed to this volunteer project. It's hands-on work, the soup-making, and Mom's volunteer (and professional) contributions have always been much more administrative or managerial. She served on the vestry at our old church, for example, and when I was growing up, it seemed that most of her volunteer obligations were in the form of oversight and planning committees.
Soup Group is straight-up manual labor, dude. It's (at least) three hours on your feet, crying onion-chopping tears, flushing red from the heat of the stove. Now, it ain't heavy lifting, for the most part, and it's largely risk-less. No one has lost a leg at Soup Group, or even, thankfully, been burned badly. But it's tiring.
So why do it?
Following in no particular order, are my top ten reasons for doing Soup Group:
10. I'm learning so much about cooking! Cooking from scratch, cooking with more experienced cooks, cooking in bulk quantities. I feel enriched by my growing knowledge about something I love so much (i.e., food).
9. Soup Group is woman time. Soup Group is a female space, with the occasional male volunteer hour simply serving as the exception that proves the rule. So I get my girl talk and that camaraderie for the morning.
8. I enjoy spending time with my elders. The rest of the Soup Group is made up of ladies much closer in age to Mom than to me, and none of us pretends anything different. I like how they boss me around. I like to hear their stories and their perspectives, which are different than mine. I especially like to have all this go down in a kitchen environment. Reminds me of time spent with Meemo, with Grandma.
7. My participation in Soup Group is a concession to God, who maybe would like to see me "in church" more often. This way, I'm technically "in church" every week for Soup Group. No, I'm not attending service, but I do feel like I'm following the letter, if not the spirit, of some law (that still matters to me, apparently)...
6. I feel good about supporting the clinic in Baghdad. If there's war and destruction taking place in my name, I want to be intentional about something positive happening in my name as well. And if our soup proceeds are meager while the destruction is great, then at least I can say that the soup proceeds came from my heart and my hands, which you can't say about the destruction.
5. Our soups build community among the church parishioners. While we're cooking, the priests and the Sunday School teacher and people attending Bible Study all pop in the kitchen to breathe our fragrant air and find out what's the soup of the day. On Sundays, (I hear tell that) people are reminded about the soup during the service, and discuss it during reception. "We" give updates to the congregation on how much money has been sent, and we read aloud the notices and post the pictures that we receive from the clinic. It's a shared effort.
4. It's a neat group of women. Sher always has a joke; Mom hums and sings to herself; Rhondda brings an almost businesslike, level-headed practicality; Elizabeth is wonderfully direct; Irene feels like a good friend; Jody is subtly perceptive and so kind. I like how diverse our personalities are, and how similar our values. I like that we manage to make decisions through an informal (if sometimes grudging) consensus. I like hanging in there together with them.
3. Nobody besides me wants to do the recipes! They'd be willing, in my absence, to do the selection and conversions and inventory and list-making. I'm not saying it wouldn't happen. But they're really glad they don't have to.
2. Volunteering is the right thing to do. When my mind elects to wander over the territory of my faults, community service is conspicuously absent from the landscape. I get to tell myself I'm doing some good.
1. It's one more way I get to spend time with my mom. I love her.
Well, the first answer is that it's my mom's group. She didn't start it, but she was one of the original soup-makers, three years ago now, and she participated in Soup Group for a year before I started. I was very surprised back then that Mom had gotten involved and stayed so committed to this volunteer project. It's hands-on work, the soup-making, and Mom's volunteer (and professional) contributions have always been much more administrative or managerial. She served on the vestry at our old church, for example, and when I was growing up, it seemed that most of her volunteer obligations were in the form of oversight and planning committees.
Soup Group is straight-up manual labor, dude. It's (at least) three hours on your feet, crying onion-chopping tears, flushing red from the heat of the stove. Now, it ain't heavy lifting, for the most part, and it's largely risk-less. No one has lost a leg at Soup Group, or even, thankfully, been burned badly. But it's tiring.
So why do it?
Following in no particular order, are my top ten reasons for doing Soup Group:
10. I'm learning so much about cooking! Cooking from scratch, cooking with more experienced cooks, cooking in bulk quantities. I feel enriched by my growing knowledge about something I love so much (i.e., food).
9. Soup Group is woman time. Soup Group is a female space, with the occasional male volunteer hour simply serving as the exception that proves the rule. So I get my girl talk and that camaraderie for the morning.
8. I enjoy spending time with my elders. The rest of the Soup Group is made up of ladies much closer in age to Mom than to me, and none of us pretends anything different. I like how they boss me around. I like to hear their stories and their perspectives, which are different than mine. I especially like to have all this go down in a kitchen environment. Reminds me of time spent with Meemo, with Grandma.
7. My participation in Soup Group is a concession to God, who maybe would like to see me "in church" more often. This way, I'm technically "in church" every week for Soup Group. No, I'm not attending service, but I do feel like I'm following the letter, if not the spirit, of some law (that still matters to me, apparently)...
6. I feel good about supporting the clinic in Baghdad. If there's war and destruction taking place in my name, I want to be intentional about something positive happening in my name as well. And if our soup proceeds are meager while the destruction is great, then at least I can say that the soup proceeds came from my heart and my hands, which you can't say about the destruction.
5. Our soups build community among the church parishioners. While we're cooking, the priests and the Sunday School teacher and people attending Bible Study all pop in the kitchen to breathe our fragrant air and find out what's the soup of the day. On Sundays, (I hear tell that) people are reminded about the soup during the service, and discuss it during reception. "We" give updates to the congregation on how much money has been sent, and we read aloud the notices and post the pictures that we receive from the clinic. It's a shared effort.
4. It's a neat group of women. Sher always has a joke; Mom hums and sings to herself; Rhondda brings an almost businesslike, level-headed practicality; Elizabeth is wonderfully direct; Irene feels like a good friend; Jody is subtly perceptive and so kind. I like how diverse our personalities are, and how similar our values. I like that we manage to make decisions through an informal (if sometimes grudging) consensus. I like hanging in there together with them.
3. Nobody besides me wants to do the recipes! They'd be willing, in my absence, to do the selection and conversions and inventory and list-making. I'm not saying it wouldn't happen. But they're really glad they don't have to.
2. Volunteering is the right thing to do. When my mind elects to wander over the territory of my faults, community service is conspicuously absent from the landscape. I get to tell myself I'm doing some good.
1. It's one more way I get to spend time with my mom. I love her.
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